Monday, May 9, 2011

On the edge at times

On Friday night Caitlyn started feeling really unwell.  She complained of a headache, didn't have much of an appetite and was just feeling pretty sad and unhappy.  So I let her sleep with me in our bed that night so that I could be right there if she needed me and Terence went off to sleep in her bed.  Usually our kids (even when they were really little) sleep in their own beds, unless they are really unwell.

It was a tough night.  I think every 30 minutes she would wake up crying and I would ask her what was the matter and she would just say "I don't know".  Her temperature was slightly high and the next morning she woke up having a coughing fit.  One of those that make kids cry and the more they cry, the more they cough and the more they cough, the more they cry... 

Next morning we decided to take her to the doctors to get her checked out.  She recently had a cold and we wanted to just make sure there wasn't something we should worry about.

In the back of my mind I started wondering if she was busy getting tonsillitis.

Now usually tonsillitis is just an annoying infection that sometimes happen with kids.  Some kids get tonsillitis quite often.  For us - we've only ever had to deal with tonsillitis once.  In May 2007.  Caitlyn was nearly 3 months old and Bianca still 3.  And Bianca got tonsillitis somewhere beginning May.  Oh my!  That was the worst she was ever sick up to that point.  She was pale, feeling miserable, clingy, no appetite, fever.  When the antibiotics were done and Bianca started recovering a bit, I remember thinking "wow, I'm so glad that is over".  Of course little did I know then that just a week or so later, it would get worse.  Much much worse and that really the tonsillitis was just a glimpse of the leukemia journey we were about to embark.  So since then each time May and June come around I start feeling a bit on the edge.  Or when it is 2 weeks before my kids' birthdays.  It is like it will forever be etched in my mind - Bianca's tonsillitis was really just because she actually already had leukemia.

Thankfully after the doctor looked at Caitlyn, it wasn't much to worry about.  Slightly red throat, ears slightly pink.  Just some mild viral infection.  I don't know what I would have done if they actually said Caitlyn had tonsillitis...


Sharon said...

I can totally see that the possible threat of something worse would always be in the back of your mind.
NOT the same obviously, but the emotion is the same - my infertility, your leukemia battle with B, taught us that we can't go through life thinking "that will never happen to me".

RosemaryO said...

I am sorry that you feel anxiety over tonsillitis, months of the year and other triggers that you may have. I understand it, we live it. Once you've been thrown into this world it is very difficult to not feel anxious about so many things. Your experiences and memories are part of your life. Maybe someday there will be less worry and concern.
So very happy to hear that it is just a viral infection and nothing more. I hope Caitlyn is feeling much better and her cough is improving.

BridgetPirie said...

I hope that Caityln is soon feeling a lot better. I hate that we cancer parents always have those darker fears about illnesses hidden not so very far below the surface.
I hope you get some sleep tonight. Love to you all,

amanda said...

Ek verstaan.....
Julle is altyd in my gebede.
ma xxxx

Buttons said...

Oh I am so glad Caitlyn is OK I can only imagine the scary memories of Bianca's illness and how it stays with you. Hope Caitlyn is better soon. B

LatteJunkie said...

Wow, I have never ever thought of it from that perspective before. I am so glad Caitlyn is ok :)

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