Friday, August 26, 2011


I tend not to dwell on what ifs.  Throughout Bianca's leukemia journey I always pushed the what if questions out of my mind the moment they popped up.  Even when we finished treatment in 2009 and we suddenly lost the "safety" of the treatment and it became a waiting game, I stopped myself freaking out about bruises and things.  Today however I was reminded of that day in 2007.  Today just for an instant I couldn't help wondering.

We went to the shops this afternoon to buy things for supper and a few more things for the special meals I'm trying to stick to.  As we pulled into the shopping centre parking area Bianca suddenly said "Mum, I have a lump!".  So I parked and asked her where the lump was and there it was, exactly where it was on the 31st of May 2007.  Behind her head underneath her hair.  Granted it is not as big as it was then.  But it is there.  And so now we are going to keep an eye on it.  In all likelihood this is simply just because Bianca might have a mild cold.  Overall she is fine.  She is energetic, she is not pale, there are no weird bruises, she has no fever.  She is no different than she has been.

I hate reminders like these.  With things like this you simply can't help some of the what ifs that pop into your mind.


blackhuff said...

I know - situations like these do let the "what ifs" pop into ones head.
Sorry to hear about the lump - hugs

Sharon said...

When we've suffered a trauma, it's easy to be pulled under by all the "what if's". Good on your for not succumbing!

RosemaryO said...

Sorry to hear about the lump. We will always ponder the "what ifs" whenever something occurs and reminds us of our journey, it is only human to do that but we move on and hope it doesn't consume us. I am hoping to hear very soon that all is well with Bianca.

Maa said...

I feel for you...praying all is well. Maa